March 2012
192 posts
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February 2012
389 posts
I need to get normal again…
I’ve been stuck in this insanity for like a month now.
I hate it, I hate me.
It usually doesn’t last this long.
Need to get back to normal…
So Dead
Look around the room.
All the peoples faces.
Peal away the skin.
They all look the same underneath
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Self #2: People Are Alive
So tonight I figured out more to why I am disturbed by how warm and soft people feel and why I don’t like hugging. It goes back to the fact that I don’t really think of people as living creatures. I think of them as thoughts and personalities.
After I get to know someone, I stop associating them with their bodies. They become something more to me. And it shocks me to be reminded that...
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I'm so happy.
I talked to my dad tonight, in fact I wrote him a speech. I essentially explained to him that I just wasn’t emotionally ready for college, and that I needed to take some time away. I said I would do correspondence courses for college credits and then later transfer them to a traditional university, and that I would try to get a job in order to learn responsibility.
I told him I...
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Why I have terrible attendance.
I sleep through class
or I don’t sleep at all and am too psychotic to understand what class is.
or I’m too depressed to see the point of going to class.
or I’m to manic to see that my plans of doing all my work that day and then going to class the next will fail.
or I’m too afraid of people to go to class.
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When the new psychiatrist said “kicking the wall won’t hurt the wall, it will only hurt your foot”, I should have explained that sometimes self destruction feels good, just ask any drug addict.
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When Kool-Aid is Rebellion
In 12th grade, I was in the psychiatric hospital for a few weeks. Sucide attempt blah blah psychotic blah blah. Anyway, because I was under 18, they put me in the youth unit of the place.
Being in the youth unit meant that there were kids as young as five mixed in with some of us as old as 17. This meant we couldn’t have coffee, sugar desserts with dinner, and couldn’t have kool aid...
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I've hardly been eating anything lately.
Like for the past week and a half, I just haven’t been hungry. I eat maybe like 1 medium sized meal a day.. and maybe like a graham cracker or a handful of cereal. And thats it..
My total of calories for today can’t have been over 1000. And if it wasn’t for the meal I ate just because I know I should eat, I wouldn’t have been over 600 or so. I’m just not hungry....
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Dude...
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Every Time I Go Out In Public
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Went to my psychologist today and took an IQ test.
I took the Stanford Binet test. Scored 134. So basically I am in the 99th percentile….
How do I see myself?
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Last Night I Drank Myself into the Dark.
I was a with my close friend, her boyfriend, and their friend named Ben. I was supposed to come back home by 2 AM, so I just planned to drink a little bit. I had taken Klonopin earlier that day and after the first rum and coke I was feeling a buzz. I looked into the cup, and then I didn’t care.
I drank and I drank. The last thing I remember was pouring another drink and spilling some coke...
New Doctor is New
Me: What could possibly give you the idea I have borderline personality disorder?
Doctor: You have unstable relationships and relationship problems.
Me: ...No, because I don't have relationships.
Doctor: That's a problem.
Me: How is that a problem.
Doctor: ~random crap about people being social creatures~
Me: >.>
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Part of the reason I don't like to touch people is...
They are squishy. And it makes me feel strange… strange to know that life is so soft and warm. It makes me uncomfortable.
I always figured people were more solid and sturdy, but they aren’t. When I found that out last summer, it really shocked me.
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“The devil doesn’t exist. Satanism is about worshiping yourself, because you are...”
– Marilyn Manson (via thisisntfunanymore)
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And now, the real isolation begins...
My roommate is moving out. Honestly, I’m not too broken up about it. Towards the end we really weren’t getting along at all. And I hated having to sit here in the dark at 9:30pm because she went to sleep early and complained when I had the lights on. It will be nice to finally be able to do what I want without having to think about anyone else. And I can finally talk on the phone in...
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All I have eaten since Tuesday has been like 1...
And I really only ate the graham crackers to try to quiet the stomach acid.. The only reason I’m even thinking about this now is because someone posted something about being hungry. I don’t understand how I’m still not hungry… Maybe I’ll lose some weight or something… I guess that would be a positive result.
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abc family
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Benzos and Alcohol
Xanax, Valium, and Halcion are all benzodiazepines. They are very relaxing drugs, and alcohol amplifies the effects.
I’m taken a few .5mgs of xanax with some wine or beer before, and there was only one time that I seem to have blacked out, and apparently no one I was around could tell I was on drugs, they just said I looked disinterested in dinner. I didn’t even think I had eaten...