A Mass of Contradictions

Last Night I Drank Myself into the Dark.

I was a with my close friend, her boyfriend, and their friend named Ben. I was supposed to come back home by 2 AM, so I just planned to drink a little bit. I had taken Klonopin earlier that day and after the first rum and coke I was feeling a buzz. I looked into the cup, and then I didn’t care. 

I drank and I drank. The last thing I remember was pouring another drink and spilling some coke onto my sleeve. I blacked out.

I am honestly embarrassed about what apparently happened the rest of the night. They say I talked for hours, nonstop. I talked about why I didn’t think necrophilia was that big of a deal. I talked about being asexual and then said “I just want to cut people open from here to here” (center of collarbones, to where the ribs stop connecting). I talked about rape porn. I talked about cannibalism.

And I kept saying “Who am I?”.

It was all of my darkness, all my demons, and horrible thoughts. And I let them all out last night…

I have a few weird memories of things that happened. I know at one point my close friend was laying next to me reading from “My Friend Dahmer”. And I kept saying “I love you, you are my best friend”.

I am sick. I hate myself. I need to stop thinking about these things… It is getting out of hand.